Of course, we are no longer children, we do not need anyone's help, we live our own adult life. And yet, when our parents, who have held out together for twenty or even thirty years, decide that now they are not on their way, we feel that the end of the world is coming for us. Why?
“When my older sister and I found out that my father was leaving my mother,” recalls 30-year-old Rita, who was 19 at the time, “it was a shock. I got really depressed. I was completely unsettled: I slept during the day, wandered around the house at night, unable to sleep. I lived in constant anxiety. ”When people talk about children and divorce, they first of all mean poor defenseless kids. How do you tell them what happened? How to keep a safe distance from conflict? How to protect you from future mistakes and not deprive you of faith in a happy marriage? Nobody cares about how grown-up children feel when their parents are separated. However, they often suffer no less.
“If children grow up in a complete family, this means that their parents have lived together for 20, 25, or even 30 years in a row,” recalls psychiatrist and family psychotherapist Serge Hefez. - Such a long union seems to be unshakable as the universe itself. He accompanies life from childhood. He is the backbone of the foundations. And we just need to know that it is strong. When parents get divorced, there is no more stability, the world literally collapses. " For Galina, 35 years old, the parting of mom and dad three years ago was a bolt from the blue: “They were always inseparable, never quarreled at all. I lost my main illusion - that my parents will be together forever. " I must say that the opposite situation, as, for example, in Rita, whose childhood was not the most rosy because of the cruel and scandalous alcoholic father, simplifies little.
“Even if the parents often fought,” says Serge Efez, “their union seems to be unbreakable, despite the conflicts.”
Rita really didn’t leave the feeling of restlessness for a long time: “I thought: if my father is gone, I will not be able to trust any other man. As if everything that I held dear: trust, love, support, instantly depreciated. "
The suffering of adult children is not always directly expressed. “I remember a case from my own practice,” says Jocelyne Dahan, director of the Family Problems Research Center in Toulouse. - A 70-year-old couple was getting divorced. Their 40-year-old children, the parents themselves, were in complete prostration: "It's incredible how you could do this to us!" Masking pain, "big" children often hide behind the interests of their children. “I didn't know how to prepare my daughter for this divorce,” explains 36-year-old Yana. - My parents live outside the city, and so she saw them infrequently. And since they divorced a year ago, we no longer go to grandparents, because they live separately, and my girl is torn between them. Of course, I would very much like everything to remain the same. " In general, one has to give up not only the image of a successful parental couple, but also forget about the kind grandfather and grandmother, in whose hospitable home the whole family gathers.
“Having a child brings you closer to your parents, because the family becomes three-dimensional,” says Serge Efez. - And it is the third, older generation that is an important guarantor of stability. When divorced, the entire pyramid collapses, which gives rise to a feeling of complete confusion. "
Anger is one of the most common feelings towards disadvantaged parents. “If I didn’t have to endlessly solve their problems, I could have done much more in life,” Natalya is sure. “And so I couldn’t disconnect from them for a minute, it’s like having a disabled child.”
MARRIED AGAIN?
Men are 23% more likely to start a family again after divorce than women. And with age, the gap widens more and more. There are twice as many single women in Europe between 60 and 64 as single men. And from the age of 75, there are already four times more of them than men. There are several explanations for this: of course, first of all, the longer life expectancy of women, as well as the fact that men again marry a woman of their own age or, more often, with a younger woman, and this expands the possibilities for searching.
In the classic situation of divorce, parents are rightly advised not to interfere with the kids in their conflicts, which, unfortunately, does not always happen. Well, in relation to adult children, this rule is not at all respected. Moreover, often each of the “old men” demands to take his side, because in adult offspring he sees first of all people who can be trusted. As a result, all connections on the side, all mutual claims and secrets that the children suspected, but did not want to know for sure, suddenly appear before them with all the obviousness: “You see how he tormented me all my life”, “You should know that she she told me. "
“The role of the arbiter in the relationship between father and mother throws back, - continues Serge Efez. - You seem to become a child who is asked: 'Who do you love more, mom or dad?' Whatever the choice, the feeling of guilt is guaranteed.
Yana experienced this firsthand: “When I arrived in the village to see my parents, my mother said:“ If you go to your father, to the house from which I ran away without looking back, you are no longer my daughter. ” I just didn't know what to do. " Polina, who thought that it was better to disperse than to endlessly quarrel and scandal, also could not stay away from the conflict: “When my father left, my mother decided that I had knocked him down.”
Usually, some adult child tries to play the role of a mediator, if not a conciliator. Often completely in vain. “A friend of mine, a psychologist by profession, tried to reconcile her parents,” says Jocelyn Dahan. “But she had to abandon her idea, because she almost went crazy: perfectly understanding both of them, she could not disconnect from her own emotions and dispassionately evaluate everything from the outside.” And Natalya for several months listened to her father and mother alternately, who expressed their claims to her against each other. “At some point I got tired of it. At the family council, my sister and I asked them to divorce or simply declare a moratorium: so that my father would not see either his mother or the woman he met, and think about what he wanted. In the end, I ended up being a fool. He said he would think about it, but he continued to meet with the other, and as a result went to her. He just needed a push to finally decide to leave. "
REASONS FOR FAILURE
The peak of divorces after forty, according to Rosstat, fell in Russia in 2003: their number exceeded 300 thousand, which was almost double the 1997 figures. Then the number of such divorces decreased and last year amounted to 193 thousand. After the children leave the family, latent conflicts between spouses emerge with renewed vigor. "Loneliness together" becomes unbearable. Experts note that at this time, couples are going to break up, who long ago realized that they were not made for each other, but did not want to leave each other for social or professional reasons, as well as because of children. After 20-30 years of marriage, the incentive to divorce becomes the termination of professional activity (“What will I do with him or her from morning to evening?”) Or the realization that there is not so long to live (“Spend the rest of my days like this as I want ").
Witnesses of scandals, advisers and confidants, adult children often find themselves at the forefront of the conflict, even if they live in their own home. For Galina, for example, the separation of her parents caused especially acute pain, because it happened at a completely inopportune moment. “My father often went on business trips for work. Once, when the whole family was gathering, one of my nephews dropped his suitcase, and a bundle of photographs of him with another woman spilled out. Even if my mother suspected something, we still did not fully believe in his betrayal, but then everything was revealed. Two months later there was my wedding, we were expecting my father, but he was not there. Mom called him and said that if he didn’t come, she would file for divorce. But he never showed up - he betrayed not only my mother, but also me. In fact, he upset the wedding. " And he made Galya doubt his happiness.
“The husband is very similar in character to his father. Now I constantly think what will happen with the two of us. I have been married for life and do not want to repeat the fate of my parents, who put an end to 30 years of marriage. "
The separation of the father from the mother makes you think about your own choice, sometimes gives rise to a crisis in the relationship. The possibility of rupture becomes more tangible, more real. Add to that comparing yourself to the victim. “My father just used my mother and threw it in the trash. Now I am afraid that this will not happen to me. Thank God that my husband always supports me, ”says Yana.
It seems to all children that they know well how their parents lived. But the gap after 20-30 years lived together invariably has some prerequisites. Everyone has their own idea of the situation: is the father to blame for allowing himself to “go left”, or was the nitpicking of an overly authoritarian mother brought to the point of divorce. But things are usually not as simple as they seem. According to Jocelyn Dahan, children, knowing the details of family life, are far from always aware of the intimate side of relationships in a couple. This one-sided perception often leads to a victim-executioner approach to divorce. "Meanwhile," says the psychologist, "in 95% of divorces there is neither a victim nor an executioner, unless we are talking about violence." But even in these cases, the picture may not be entirely unambiguous, if you believe the story of Rita: “For many years we considered my mother a victim who needed to be constantly consoled. It took me years to understand - it was not so simple. They could not get along: the father was too childish, and the mother put pressure on him and turned us against him. After my dad left, whom she just kicked out the door, I gradually realized that she was manipulating all of us, including my father. "
And yet, it is necessary to go beyond the simplified concept of "victim-executioner" in order to come to terms with the separation of the closest people. Galina managed to do this only when a misfortune happened to one of them: “Father became seriously ill. Mom decided that this was no longer her problem, her sister only gloated and made it clear that her situation did not concern her. I had to go to him, look for a nurse, buy medicines. Since then, I have decided not to take sides. Today I live my life, I am married, I have a child. Parents for me remain parents - dad and mom. " But Natalya is unable to establish a distance in relation to her parents, who never parted so completely: “The father constantly visits her mother, climbs into the refrigerator, and even brings his son with him, whom he has with a new woman. His things are still in my mother's apartment. She loves him so much that she agrees to any handouts from him. I'm tired of seeing this. " And yet this young woman has no choice but to remain neutral, says Jocelyn Dahan. “She will only lose time if she tries to prove to her mother that everything that happens is not normal. If a mother is satisfied with such a situation, it is her own business. " To make the break happen as painlessly as possible, parents should tell their grown-up children: “We decided so. And it has nothing to do with you. " And even if it is difficult for them to pronounce the word "we", they must do everything possible to make a decision without the participation of children, even if they have already matured. Well, children do not hurt to learn how to maintain a distance. "Compassion and support are needed," explains Serge Efez, "but it is important to realize that this is their life, not ours."