The divorce has long ceased to be a socio-unacceptable phenomenon, on the contrary, modern films, TV shows, books are increasingly promoting ideas about the less conservative understanding of the marriage union.
We say from all sides that you can and need to be happy, if it did not work with one person, do not have torture yourself and it. Life is alone, and everyone has the right to be loved.
It is difficult to argue with this, only there is one essential detail: often when the marriage is dissolved, this is an equation with other variables. Children do not ask and their opinion does not take into account, although this solution is exactly the same as in adults, has an impact on their lives. As a rule, the divorce is stress for the child, the fear of losing a family, and in the future a lack of attention is at least one of the parents. In very sad cases, children become the subject of blackmail and bargaining. But to maintain relationships that gave a serious crack, only for the sake of a child - also a dubious decision.
Many of our authors in childhood survived the divorce of the parents, and in this article we decided to discuss this experience from the point of view of adult people, someone understood and accepted this decision, someone still can not forgive. Solidarity we are in one: it is worth a learn on other people's mistakes and avoid them in their own family.
My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. Do you know what I then felt? Probably, many will be survived to my answer, but I did not feel absolutely nothing. Although no, I felt relieved.
Honestly, I do not remember how I treated my father. If you try to remember something from childhood, only bad memories climb in the head: as Dad beat my mother, how drunk cut off at the table every evening, and I had to drag him to the bed with my mother, how he just took it and threw up all my toys ... when the parents divorced, I didn't care. Although rather I was even glad that I would no longer have to worry about my mother, that something from her can do something.
I remember my classmates also divorced my parents, and she was very worried about this and very much sympathized with me that there was such a situation in my family. She somehow wished me so that such horror in my life was never more. But I, fortunately (or unfortunately), not to understand it. I do not see any catastrophe in the divorce of parents. Let's say if the parents were crumbling, you never had to take someone's side, to communicate with someone, and someone is ignoring. So with a divorce in the same way. Yes, one of the parents ceases to live together with everyone, but he does not become a stranger from it. It's hard, but it is necessary to somehow try to convey this thought to your children so that they do not feel abandoned and did not become egoists that arrange their parents tantrum on the topic of divorce.
I do not understand the parents who are not bred, trying to preserve the family for the sake of the child. First, what family can we talk about when parents become cold to each other, and sometimes have other families on the side? And secondly, the children feel everything, and their show not to deceive.
Despite his little age, I felt that my mother was bad, and I myself was tired of being afraid of it. I am glad that my parents divorced, without mocking themselves and it is necessary for me for the conservation of the "family".
My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. I do not remember the bright conflicts between them, however, as well as the manifestations of gentle feelings in relation to each other at that time. And somehow straight, the divorce for me was not. I remember, it was sad from the fact that on the weekend you will not get into the bed to my parents, do not borrow in their blanket, do not look together any morning transmission that on Saturdays the whole family is not going together behind the big table ... and everything in Such a spirit - in general, not a tragedy, but still "somehow not so." But at the same time it did not give it, because both parents tried to make it so that we were well lived with my sister.
Parents at first talked not much, and felt tension when they both turned out to be nearby. Well, it was clear that the mother was not very happy with our meetings with his father. But then it passed, perhaps, in many respects, due to the fact that the dad in all situations behaved very adequately, did not give a single occasion for any negative, offended, all sorts of bad thoughts. He was able to show that my sister and my sister are important for him that he loves us, and this was not expressed in a demonstrative form, but simply in ordinary actions. In general, women probably harder to manage their emotions, and well, when a man knows how to keep himself in his hands, control the situation, competently "destroy" dangerous moments.
I am very grateful to your parents for being divorced, managed to create a normal relationship model with each other, together brought up us, sharing and small, and great joy, and the most difficult periods in life. And most importantly - we have a feeling of friendly and strong family! We all celebrated our family - or at our house, or dad, in general, where it was more convenient. To the dad was very loved to run just so, sometimes even every day - talk, discuss something over a cup of tea or for dinner. Sometimes even with mom. And over time, I was just just a matured child, but not a completely adult man - it became necessary that it was necessary that it was necessary that, maybe even better for everyone. Therefore, for me, such a popular question, how is it worth preserving a family for children? " In principle, a little strange sounds. In my opinion, in some cases, the desire to "keep at all means" can lead to the fact that in such a family it will not be very cozy to everyone. And feel care, understanding, support, confidence that you love and will be near at the right moment, it is very possible, regardless of whether the whole family lives together or not.
Many relationships of people close to divorce are associated with scandals, all sorts of disassembly, etc. But this happens in ordinary families, where parents do not think "scatter", and such behavior is familiar to them. Here and so everything is clear - it is impossible to call the right model, but in both cases it is good when adults are still thought out, change. This, fortunately, is also there.
Namely, there are other important points when divorced that may be postponed in memory in children. For me personally, it would be a tragedy if I was forbidden to communicate with one of the parents. Also, I consider terrible when parents set up children against each other or try to remove the "second half" with children anything (for example, if we talk about money or some personal capabilities). Competimate - who will do more for the child (especially if it is rather demonstratively), emphasizing its "merit" with each convenient case, again, is not the best option. I remember myself in childhood, and I don't even think that I would feel. After all, I loved both, they were the most important people for me, an example, authority, and, of course, I would not want to listen to something bad about someone. It seems to me that it is important not to interfere with everything in a bunch, to prevent such feelings like annoyance, insult, anger, jealousy, indifference somehow affected children. They will grow up, and a lot will understand themselves.
Now we will not surprise the divorces. Most of my acquaintances have grown in incomplete families, and this did not affect their character. For some time, it was the opinion that the boys brought up with grandmothers and mothers, more mildly, unable to decisive actions. But life shows back, boys cannot be generalized, as well, and girls. There are those who see the efforts of mothers from childhood, try to help with the strength, then carrying the same careful attitude to the future wife. And egoists grow in full, and in incomplete families.
My parents divorced when I was six years old. I clearly remember this border of my childhood, but I try not to return it. It is difficult to look at your life from the side, disassembled it on the pool. In addition, it is even more difficult to pour personal emotions for everyone to see. Perhaps I will not. I just say that I did not feel regrettable and pity that it happened. Both parents took part in my life, and I always knew about it.
Save family is important. But more important than the child's feelings and the overall state of the atmosphere in the house. It is stupid to think that swearing and communicating through the teeth, parents will make their own families with full family. Comfortably where everyone is happy.
Moments are unpleasant to me when the spouses begin to disdain each other with a child when divorced. Children are small adults and impose their relationships to them wrong. In my case, this was not, but, most often, there is a place to be.
As for me, I will try to save my family as much as possible to avoid divorce. I would like my children to grow in a full family - it makes them happier, kinder, calmer. But at the same time, I firmly convinced that the divorce and child in an incomplete family is far from the most terrible tragedy in the world. Or, at all, not a tragedy.
My parents diverged when I was 12-13 years old. Cause Banal: Mother is much older than his father, father found a younger mistress and first, as they say, threw, just not coming home, and then left at all. It went very badly and dishonestly, with a rope, not interaging, without recovering from the apartment, without helping materially. For his lie, I will never forgive him for this betrayal. And, although now we are calling, seeing sometimes, for me it is a foreign person who will never enter the circle of confidence that would do.
Unfortunately, in this situation, I can not forgive my mother. And it was on the aspect of the behavior of a woman in this situation would like to sharpen special attention. Looking into the past, I see a woman who did not have enough strength, nice to get out of this game with a good mine: to give a divorce, to sue the alimony to sue and never try to return and give the second (read: twenty fifth) a chance to person who treated her as an empty place. What was the case? She found out the phone of his mistress and called her late in the evening when his father was not returned: I.O. Let go home, say! Called with threats, including her sons, which later called in response and threatened her and to me. Forced me to call me. I called my father's relatives and a long time complained about him, in the colors paint the meanness and asking for help to "enjoy" the spouse of the thieves. Something there broke with the candle. I will never forget these terrible evenings when I was clogged into the corner, in the closet, so as not to hear these conversations, constantly crying at home.
Now I remember about this time and I do not understand how I went to school, somehow I studied, did not quit and did not stay for the second year. When his father returned for several weeks, on vacation and on the weekend, it made me ride me everywhere ("Let it be shared with you, hang out!"), In fact, so that I follow him and my presence did not give to your mistress. As bitterly, it was seemed to be with dad, but at the same time feel that he is now at all at all, he thinks his thoughts and thinks only about how to get rid of me. It turned out to be the fact that we came to the house, he landed me at the entrance and said that now the car will tear into the garage and comes home, but he himself did not return. Result: Mental injury, which is more or less overgrown me only by graduation at the university, but reminds of myself to this day, the undermined mother's health, which, after that, could not find his place in life, seriously fell ill and soon earlier the age earlier pension for health.
I understand that not every person finds the strength to relive the betrayal and get out of such a situation with a revived Phoenix. But when I think about it, I just ruin my hair from how much her behavior was stupid, judgments - outdated, how ridiculous she should have silly councils (call, burn, manipulate the child) and did not listen to those who said: Let go and live on. Does not turn around, but even now, occasionally talking to my mother about the past, I do not find in her answers to understand my wrongness: "I wanted to save the family," "I wanted you to have a father." It would be better if I had no father, but I would have hated only one of my parents ...
When my parents officially divorced, I was already, to put it mildly, a big girl, my wife's wife. But the parting itself happened when I studied in the 11th grade, and I really experienced this parting, although I was obvious that everything was going on.
I remember countless scandals, tears and hysterics, swearing and insults, it came to the fact that I myself could not wait for a divorce, so that peace and peace finally agreed into the house. I even asked my father to do on male and calmly leave, not at the same time the nerves of my mother and me.
But half a year before that, I could not imagine that the day would come when my dad would not be at home in the evening, because he was on a business trip, but because he didn't live with us anymore. That he has a different family, and we are not needed now. Most of the adult environment told me that, leaving my mom, my father betrayed only her, I was absolutely disaggable with it. I do not agree and so far. Gone - betrayed the family, and not just a wife. And I am part of this family, so I also betrayed me.
I was incredibly angry with him for the fact that he can live calmly, without seeing me every day, not interested in my affairs, and even, in the end, without scolding me for something. I misfortunely missed our evenings when I had an unchanged "tea drinking" with mini-boobs - I am a girl, watching the figure, so to persuade me to a full-fledged sandwich at 10 o'clock in the evening, but "mini-bruder" - please. I missed the father's tongs, "our" words, our songs. With sadomasochist pleasure, I took some music that I loved to listen to my father in the car, and cried. I cried with insult, pain, longing and misunderstanding. Now I understand that only the appearance in my life at that moment of your beloved person somehow kept me, my thoughts and mental state, in order, I did not fall into depression, although it could. I was rather a father's daughter, so I missed my father, but I would never admit to him, on the contrary, I immediately identified that I could not forgive him. At least now. What will happen next - time will show.
And I was already quite an adult man! I can not imagine how I would postpone my father's departure, be the younger at least five years. I understood the mind that in life it happens that people meet other people that the former feelings fade away, and new ones are burning with a bright flame of passion, a stormy eyes and reason. The mind - yes, but I didn't want to understand the heart and take it.
Since the separation of my parents has passed more than one year, now I normally communicate with my father, and even the parents themselves are again in good relationships. But I still remember all the pain that I experienced and never be able to forget the Mom's glass look for six months after the break.
In spite of everything, I understand that to live with an imperishable person for children is not a way out, although the possibility of painless, for all family members, divorce, especially children, I imagine weakly. Most I would like my children to never be "children of divorced parents."
And what do you think on the basis of your own experience or in theory: Is it worth keeping marriage for children?